You know those tequila shops in Mexico? The tourist traps in every major resort town that try to pass off random blends of grain spirits as the real-deal Holyfield blue agave tequila?
Yes, this may come as a shock to our audience, but if you have even the slightest sense of what defines a quality cannabis product, you may leave Amsterdam feeling a bit… hoodwinked. Bamboozled. Punk’d.
Firmly the mecca of cannabis since back in 1976, Amsterdam holds a special place in our stoner hearts because of their laissez-faire approach to recreational consumption. For many, a trip to their famed coffee shops was the first chance we had to legally get high. White Widow, AK-47, OG Kush…they seem to have all the classics, along with a laundry list of different Hazes (e.g, Amnesia Haze, a signature smoke of the Dutch).
On my most recent trip back in July, I stepped off the plane after a particularly hellish 20+ hour journey from LA to Istanbul before finally reaching Schiphol and beelined for The Bulldog, arguably the most famous coffee shop in existence. While I appreciated the conversations I had with other patrons and staff alike, including a gregarious German home grow enthusiast living on an isolated island in the Caribbean, only in town while on his way to Eastern Europe for “the REAL Dracula history tour, not the one you see in guides,” the caliber of social interaction doesn’t really make up for how subpar their cannabis is.
Imagine an OG Kush that doesn’t look like OG, doesn’t smell like OG, or even hit you like OG. Yeah, it’s even more of a gutpunch after you realize you dropped $18 on a single gram of it.
Do the Dutch simply not care about quality? Or perhaps they mix so much damn tobacco into their spliffs that it doesn’t matter?
In my travels, I met many locals who also bemoaned their city’s lack of quality. This all stems from the fact that the Dutch have adopted a “tolerance policy,” as while cannabis (and other substances) do remain federally illegal in the Netherlands, they’ve realized that attempting to regulate often does more harm than good. Who’d have thought?!?
While there is essentially zero enforcement around the use of “soft drugs”, such as cannabis and psilocybin truffles, the rest of the supply chain is a fragmented nightmare of backroom deals and questionable practices. Simply stated, it’s all illicit market product.
Their system is entirely built around rewarding the lowest cost of production, regardless of safety or standards. Any cannabis you’ll find in Amsterdam hasn’t been lab tested, meaning that harmful bacteria, pesticides, and who knows what else are likely present in your bag. They’re able to get away with it, as most of the tourists crawling the Red Light District will never return to that same shop. It’s designed to run efficiently and without accountability.
Case in point:
- It is illegal to possess or use cannabis.
- It is illegal to commercially grow cannabis.
- It is legal for coffeeshops to sell you cannabis, but not for them to acquire that cannabis, so it “magically appears” for sale at each location.
Curious, eh? This is also why there is a very high probability that your coffee shop cannabis was grown on the top floor of a local high-rise apartment building by an organized criminal syndicate (and yes, they own/operate the rest of the space to provide cover). Your OG isn’t true OG because there are no repercussions if it’s not.
Now, the one exception where you can find true-to-strain cuts seems to be most of the Haze cultivars, as these are massively popular in Europe (and thus with locals) and known for being premium quality, so the bar is often a bit higher.
Fortunately, the times they are a-changin’ and even a craft rosin scene has started to develop in the city. I was personally blown away by the service I received at Boerejongens, a coffee shop that the headiest of locals kept endorsing. Outside of their shop, I was greeted by an employee in a sharp bowler hat and three-piece suit. These guys serve as de facto guardians of the neighborhood community, helping to ensure that anyone visiting doesn’t get too unruly. They’ll even help little old ladies cross the street or provide expert-level guidance to anyone lost, customer or otherwise. Inside the store, the “hipster barista” meme has been taken to wholly new levels, as there was a row of budtenders decked out in white butchers’ aprons, wielding giant butchers’ knives to chop up flower into your desired quantities. The Strawberry Haze at Boerejongens ran circles around everything else I procured, outside of a decent Blueberry Haze I found near Vondelpark.
Next time you’re ready to enjoy a toke as you navigate Amsterdam’s canals, do yourself a favor and avoid the touristy areas like the plague. The further you’re away from the Red Light District (and I’m sad to say, shops like The Bulldog), the closer you are to finding buds that won’t just scratch your itch but will truly impress you.
Photo by Jinsoo Choi on Unsplash
