Original publication: March 1979.
Mom, Apple Pie & Cocaine
An open letter to president Carter explains how Americans can get legal blow
By Richard Ashley
The next consideration is proper soil. In a natural environment coca does best in the limestone-free red clay common to the Andes; under artificial conditions a limestone-free mixture of leaf mold and sand affording good drainage is preferable (according to Angelo Mariani, inventor of Vin Mariani, the coca-based wine beloved by, among other notables, Thomas Edison, Jules Verne, William McKinley, Pope Leo XIII and the Grand Rabbi of France. Mariani was also the leading authority on growing coca in artificial environments).
Having established the proper environment in terms of soil, temperature and high humidity, young coca plants may be started either from seeds or cuttings. They should be planted in boxes allowing one square foot per plant. Though plants started from seeds will begin pushing through the earth in two weeks, the leaves aren’t ready for picking until the plant is 18 months to two years old. A long wait, Mr. President, but worth it. The optimum yield (and why settle for less?) from a modest 8-by-12 growing area would be in the neighborhood of 864 ounces, calculated on three harvests per year of 72 plants.
For those who may wish to convert their leaves to cocaine, the late W Golden Mortimer, author of the classic Peru, History of Coca, ‘‘The Divine Plant” of the Incas, cited the following simple home procedure:
“One hundred grammes of finely ground leaves are moistened with 100 cc of 7-percent solution of sodium carbonate, packed in a percolator and sufficient kerosene added to make 700 cc of percolate. This is transferred to a separator and 30 cc of 2-percent solution of hydrochloric acid added and shaken. After separation the watery solution is drawn off from below into a smaller separator and this process repeated three times, the alkaloid being in the smaller separator as an acid hydrochlorate. This is precipitated in ether with sodium carbonate and evaporated at low heat with constant stirring.”
The cocaine content of coca varies considerably, but with luck and attention to detail 122 grams of high quality cocaine can be obtained from 864 ounces of leaves.
Of course I’m well aware, Mr. President, that however worthy you may consider this proposal, your first consideration must be its political feasibility. It would hardly do, for example, to spend the political capital remaining to you on such a hopeless cause as, say, promoting the domestic consumption of betel nuts (chewing betel stains the teeth a strong un-American red). Let me assure you that no such problems attend the use of coca. Those willing to chew it, as do the Indians, will find that coca keeps the teeth white and the gums healthy. And whether masticated or taken in tea or some other tasty beverage there is every reason to agree with the Incas that coca is a gift bestowed by heaven to better the lives of people on earth.
Besides being the only drug capable of releasing energy, clearing the mind and inducing cheerfulness, while at the same time providing substantial nourishment, there is solid evidence attesting to a number of unusual therapeutic properties of coca. It tones the smooth muscle of the gastro-intestinal tract and thus both prevents and relieves chronic indigestion; it is a respiratory stimulant, aiding breathing during heavy exercise and at high altitudes; it relieves fatigue of the larynx (of interest to any public speaker); it appears to be a rather reliable stimulator of sexual potency; and if the longevity of chronic users is any indication, it is conducive to a long life.
This is obviously a product worth getting out in front of, Mr. President. Americans will eat it up.
The next question for the pragmatic politician is whether the country is ready for his ideas. Like premature ejaculation, premature espousal is seldom appreciated. In this case, happily, the timing couldn’t be better. Your drug-law-enforcement policies have not only virtually guaranteed the immediate acceptance of growing coca at home by the trend setters but have created a skilled labor pool capable of implementing the scheme.
Just how far rising prices and paraquat have contributed to the greening of America was brought home to me only last week at a gathering of old friends. The celebrants were without exception unconditional urbanites. The kind who find it impossible to sleep in the country because of the roaring crickets. Yet there they sat, Mr. President, animatedly discussing soil composition, drainage and the virtues of cowbleep. Never having been able to distinguish a perennial from a semiannual I felt somewhat out of place, until I walked into the back room and saw the cause of their new enthusiasm: a wall of three-foot-high marijuana plants thriving under grow lights. Necessity has clearly sparked the will to cultivate. In some cases, indeed, it has apparently produced in a few short months genetic modifications in Homo sophisticans. A demonstration of this remarkable fact was given by a celebrated attorney and sinsemilla freak who to my knowledge had previously been unable to read the headings in case books without the aid of a magnifying glass. “******!” he exclaimed, spotting a male plant at ten paces, “Aren’t you going to separate them?”
It’s worthwhile to mention a few other benefits that will accrue from homegrown coca. For the nation at large it will be a decidedly anti-inflationary measure. The price of illicit coca has risen 300 percent over the last seven years and a solid 25 percent in the past four months. Growing your own will help a lot here. Ditto the balance-of-payments situation. We’re several billions on the wrong side of the ledger with Bolivia alone! But the more we grow, the less we must import.
Finally, Mr. President, let me point out the personal advantages this proposal has for you. According to government estimates, eight million Americans use cocaine. There are probably double this number, but even assuming the government figures accurate, eight million grateful citizens are nothing to sneeze at come election year.
The Home-Grown Coca Bill will, of course, meet with some opposition. That, coming from the uneducated sector of the populace, can be easily handled by a fireside chat explaining the virtues of coca. That, coming from your Republican and Democratic rivals, can be fielded almost as easily. For though their hired consultants will undoubtedly alert them to the seed problem—unlike marijuana, coca seeds rarely retain their potency longer than 15 days, and the nearest source of supply is several thousand miles away—this can be readily and truly branded a phony issue. Our efficient transportation and distribution network should have no trouble getting potent seeds into the hands of growers. And if the legitimate truckers can’t do it, the smugglers surely can.
The real poser will be the 18-month to two-year period required for the plants to reach maturity. After all, as the price of legal cocaine—$25 to $30 per ounce- makes plain, legal coca is very cheap. So why, the critics will carp, wait so long and spend so much money when the stuff can be imported so cheaply? If coca is good for the country, it’s good right now. The way to deal with this, Mr. President, is to remind the country of the oil problem. Then, after a few pointed remarks on where taking the easy and profitable road led to there, finish up by suggesting that those who don’t have the patience and guts to make America strong can always trot down to the corner and pick up a hundred-dollar gram of false courage.
Yours for a Brighter Tomorrow,
Richard Ashley, Executive Secretary, Coca Growers Association of Greater New York
